me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.