This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
britain’s three elite institutions
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”