[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
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Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Mornin
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”