Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.