I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming