All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
You Might Also Like
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills