Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C