The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?