Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
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My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Why is everyone getting married at me
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!