Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.