In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Same post same
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine