Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Banking tips
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.