My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
#TopTip
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…