Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Optional boss fight.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Aight bet