[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
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if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.