chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Good morning.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?