I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
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Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Every work call, he judges.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Attacked by a mop.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.