Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
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God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.