I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no