Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
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People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.