Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”