Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
sensitive skin
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
This has made my week.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Is your wife single?
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone