As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best