How animals would run if they were human
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!