Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.