I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*