me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
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I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Its a hippotatomus
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes