15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
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Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Xylophonist Shredding It
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I’m giving up for Lent.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
gm
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country