[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
You Might Also Like
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I’d love this…lol
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.