A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
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My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good