Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
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Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Y’all know who you are.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro