I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
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Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
This hospital has everything
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working