My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
You Might Also Like
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.