[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.