Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.