My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
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Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Oh deer
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
those birds must be on payroll
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job