i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
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You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
The real reason evolution started..😂
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!