“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
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[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Trying
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.