“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.