Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
hmmm
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done