My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
📽️movie date🎞️
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad