My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Software Development ⛵️
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.