At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
You Might Also Like
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
sugar glider wrangler
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
“i am a sweet baby”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.