We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables