Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
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My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
This is painfully accurate 😅