ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
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*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Duolingo getting serious.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Dishonest mechanic?
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough