Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
me
That’s amazing.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Why is this me 😫
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me