My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
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My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
These aliens are taking forever.