Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
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Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.