The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.